Frustration and Fears

If you read my last post you'll see that I'm fully on the bandwagon of losing again.... I hope....

This is what this post is about. The fears I have about losing and struggles I've faced. Maybe someone will relate? Who knows. I hope that someone might read this and say "Hey I'm not alone". And who knows maybe I'll get some encouragement along the way as well.

I've had PCOS and Insulin Resistance for so long now, I can't hardly remember when I was diagnosed. I just know I grew up normal sized and when I tried to diet down from 123lbs to 108lbs in college I cranked up the old PCOS monster and my weight ballooned when I went back to normal eating; within 6 months I had gained 60lbs eating the same foods I had eaten previously. That started my obesity and it's never been down any lower than that weight since then.

I've been up and down and up and down. I certainly would get an award for the "Best Dieter" - wouldn't we all!!! I can stick with a diet until the cows come home. Even when the diet fails me and STOPS working. I know there are naysayers out there that would say, "If you had just eaten less calories than you were burning then it would have eventually gotten smaller". But that just isn't true when you are terribly insulin resistant, have the metabolism of someone that lies in bed and have severe hormonal problems. Even if I could exercise (my Fibro pretty much prevents anything that resembles REAL exercise) - my Endocrinologist told me that my metabolism makes it that I'd have to exercise about 3hrs a day to get what a "normal" body gets from 30-60 minutes.

I tried Weight Watchers and honestly I LOVED the points program. It was simple, made sense and feed that anal part of my personality that got to add it all up at the end of the day. I can say with all honestly, in 2-1/2 years I never went OFF PROGRAM except for around 7 times with PLANNED off times. And yet I only lost 56lbs in 2-1/2 years (and most of that was the first year). Sadly I was still morbidly obese and being accused by the WW leaders of cheating and "missing" foods I might be sneaking in. At the same time, my Endocrinologist who actually BELIEVED me when I told him I didn't cheat, decided to change my meds and I gained 40lbs back in 3 months. I was devastated. I gave up and ballooned all the way up to over 300lbs.

About 1-1/2 years later I got my lapband with HIGH HOPES of losing all my weight, once and for all. My Endocrinologist crossed his fingers and said "I sure hope it works, because calorie restriction is not working so well for you". Was he jinxing me or just giving me a prophecy of things to come? I again lost around 70ish pounds with my lapband and then when I was near the same weight as the WW loss, I stopped losing again. I tried the same things I did with WW. Switching it up, eating less calories, eating more calories. Whatever I could to get this damn weight off. I was eating sometimes for weeks on end 800 calories a day without a loss whatsoever. I TRULY cringe when I read article after article saying "Just eat less and move more it's simple and if you can't lose weight your lazy and a pig". Seriously, I've read it multiple times.

So I recap my experience to say I am so terribly afraid this time won't work again. I think about food and my weight all the time and worry and stress over this. I need plastics so bad to feel better and it's like this thing that hangs over my head, almost attainable, but "not for you. You will always be fat and ugly, so just give up". Of course I don't give up, but I still sit here fat and ugly (at least my body is ugly - I don't think my face is hideous).

Anyways, I just wanted to write my feelings about this time around. I'm doing this with gusto and really hoping and secretly fearing it won't work. I lost 3lbs last week. Maybe it was just a loss of water from not eating all the junk I was eating before? I "may" get a 1lbs loss this week. Ok, but what if that's all I get, what if it doesn't work AGAIN. I just don't know where I'll go next or what I'll do.

Thanks again for reading and the support I'm sure I have from my family and friends.