Feeling Sad and Confirming My Suspicians

Ok, so this post is going to be a downer. If you need to be lifted up, you might want to skip it.



But the very thing I suspected has happened. My weight is slowly creeping right back up. I know I'm a daily weigher, but I always have been and I don't use a creep up as an excuse to eat more and give up. I just don't understand it at all, except I've been eating less than I had been. While I was losing these last three weeks, I had been eating at least 1700 calories a day and around 100 net carbs. But the last 3 or more days, my calories have been closer to 1400-1500 and my carbs were down to like 50-75 a day.



Some people say there is no such thing as a "starvation mode", but my brilliant 16 year old daughter explained it to me. Here is how the conversation went (yes, I do think she's bright enough to ask her about all sorts of things):



Mom: So, Kassie, tell me, do you think there is such thing as a "Starvation Mode", you know a point when you are eating too little that you stop losing weight. Because I've heard that isn't true, just look at the people in Concentration Camps. There weren't any fat people there.

Kassie: But see mom, here's how you and them are different. They got NO food most of the time, you are at least eating, albeit less than a regular eating person gets. So your body DOES have SOME fuel, where they had none at all, so it had to eat at their body.

So I wonder, if maybe since I'm eating too little, I AM holding on to whatever it can.

I just know something has got to work, something has got to change. I'm at my wits end.

I guess it's kind of like this. How many times do you keep doing something that isn't working and keep doing it, hoping maybe this time it will work. Does that make sense? I once heard someone say "Only an insane person, keeps doing the same thing expecting a different result the next time".When do we say enough is enough. When after doing something over and over and over again, that doesn't work, do you stop and say "I've had enough". I'm not at that point, but I can't keep doing something forever that isn't working. Since I've tried low-fat, low-calories, low-carb, lowfat with lowcarb, low calorie with lowcarb and none of those worked, and I've had doctors tell me, my body is "too broken" to work, when do I cry uncle and stop. Hope that all make sense.

I know I'm not nuts, I know I've tried the very best I could, so it's not from lack of trying. And I have lost 70ish pounds. So I'd call that fairly successful, but I'm just still really pretty fat and now I have so much hanging skin and rashes that no prescription or home remedy has been able to fix.

I have a doctor that won't recommend me for plastics until I've lost at least another 50ish pounds. And the weight doesn't seem to want to budge much past the weight I'm at no matter what lifestyle I'm living. So it's sort of like a sentence to suffering for a LONG time. I truly suffer every single day with rashes and itching and burning. But since I can't seem to get the scale to move with any real success, so even with all my "compliance" I'm punished to live with the health problems I have. It's just rather discouraging. That's all I'm saying.

Frustration and Fears

If you read my last post you'll see that I'm fully on the bandwagon of losing again.... I hope....

This is what this post is about. The fears I have about losing and struggles I've faced. Maybe someone will relate? Who knows. I hope that someone might read this and say "Hey I'm not alone". And who knows maybe I'll get some encouragement along the way as well.

I've had PCOS and Insulin Resistance for so long now, I can't hardly remember when I was diagnosed. I just know I grew up normal sized and when I tried to diet down from 123lbs to 108lbs in college I cranked up the old PCOS monster and my weight ballooned when I went back to normal eating; within 6 months I had gained 60lbs eating the same foods I had eaten previously. That started my obesity and it's never been down any lower than that weight since then.

I've been up and down and up and down. I certainly would get an award for the "Best Dieter" - wouldn't we all!!! I can stick with a diet until the cows come home. Even when the diet fails me and STOPS working. I know there are naysayers out there that would say, "If you had just eaten less calories than you were burning then it would have eventually gotten smaller". But that just isn't true when you are terribly insulin resistant, have the metabolism of someone that lies in bed and have severe hormonal problems. Even if I could exercise (my Fibro pretty much prevents anything that resembles REAL exercise) - my Endocrinologist told me that my metabolism makes it that I'd have to exercise about 3hrs a day to get what a "normal" body gets from 30-60 minutes.

I tried Weight Watchers and honestly I LOVED the points program. It was simple, made sense and feed that anal part of my personality that got to add it all up at the end of the day. I can say with all honestly, in 2-1/2 years I never went OFF PROGRAM except for around 7 times with PLANNED off times. And yet I only lost 56lbs in 2-1/2 years (and most of that was the first year). Sadly I was still morbidly obese and being accused by the WW leaders of cheating and "missing" foods I might be sneaking in. At the same time, my Endocrinologist who actually BELIEVED me when I told him I didn't cheat, decided to change my meds and I gained 40lbs back in 3 months. I was devastated. I gave up and ballooned all the way up to over 300lbs.

About 1-1/2 years later I got my lapband with HIGH HOPES of losing all my weight, once and for all. My Endocrinologist crossed his fingers and said "I sure hope it works, because calorie restriction is not working so well for you". Was he jinxing me or just giving me a prophecy of things to come? I again lost around 70ish pounds with my lapband and then when I was near the same weight as the WW loss, I stopped losing again. I tried the same things I did with WW. Switching it up, eating less calories, eating more calories. Whatever I could to get this damn weight off. I was eating sometimes for weeks on end 800 calories a day without a loss whatsoever. I TRULY cringe when I read article after article saying "Just eat less and move more it's simple and if you can't lose weight your lazy and a pig". Seriously, I've read it multiple times.

So I recap my experience to say I am so terribly afraid this time won't work again. I think about food and my weight all the time and worry and stress over this. I need plastics so bad to feel better and it's like this thing that hangs over my head, almost attainable, but "not for you. You will always be fat and ugly, so just give up". Of course I don't give up, but I still sit here fat and ugly (at least my body is ugly - I don't think my face is hideous).

Anyways, I just wanted to write my feelings about this time around. I'm doing this with gusto and really hoping and secretly fearing it won't work. I lost 3lbs last week. Maybe it was just a loss of water from not eating all the junk I was eating before? I "may" get a 1lbs loss this week. Ok, but what if that's all I get, what if it doesn't work AGAIN. I just don't know where I'll go next or what I'll do.

Thanks again for reading and the support I'm sure I have from my family and friends.

Update -- On Weight & Program

I found myself following Dr. Groves. His plan is more a moderate protein, high fat and low carb diet. Although he doesn't start with induction (which I HATED - I mean HATED) and his average dieter is eating about 45 net carbs a day. I thought I could do that, but that was so difficult with our busy lifestyle. We eat out several times a week and was finding myself, literally eating bun less hamburgers and plain salads. It drove me NUTS.

I fully believe a LC lifestyle is the best lifestyle for health and well being - especially when you are insulin resistant, diabetic or have trouble with cholesterol. That being said. I have to agree with Jimmy Moore when he says to find something you can follow and STICK WITH. I was not doing well, sticking with it. I would do OK during the week (and BTW has anyone noticed when you're trying to lose weight that you obsess over food MORE - because you're writing down every single bite you are eating???). Then the weekend would come and I would get completely derailed, either eating popcorn at the theatre or DH would be home and we'd eat out a bit too much. My DH, BTW - was getting tired of all the obsessing also, with: food, the weight, the lack of weight loss. I'm sure it gets old hearing it all the time.

During the end of last year, my band got a tiny bit too tight and he took me down to 2.50 in my 4cc band. That left me pretty much WIDE OPEN. I'm not sure why he couldn't have just taken a tiny bit out as I wasn't violently vomiting (I've only PB'd once - that's a gentle vomit to put it nicely) since I've had my band. But he took out 1.50cc. This was right before the holidays and a Disney Trip. So are you psychic? Do you know what that meant? Yes, indeedy it meant a weight gain. Not a horrible. Well, horrible enough. Sadly my PDA was erased and since we bought our new computers I had not gotten brave enough to try and upload the PDA program on my new computer and sync it (thus saving all my information). From my best estimation, I weighed about 223 at my unfill and ended up at 238 a full 15lbs gained UGGGG. I did go back and get a fill on January 10th. I asked Dr. Allen if I was kicked out of the "club" and he said "No, but I have the answer" in his best mad scientist voice and as he turned around he had a needle in his hand for my fill!! LOL He is pretty funny when he wants to be. He did say he wanted to see me in about 6 wks for another fill as he only took me back up 1.0. I don't want to get as tight as I was, but I'm certainly not where I need to be in the fill department.

So this leads me next to what I'm doing to get these last pounds off. I've really struggled with what I need to do to get this weight off. Where do I REALLY want my goal weight and what's REALISTIC. Let's face it. I've been told by 5 doctors that I'll always be fat. I'm not going to end up a size 4 like several other bandsters I know. It's just not in the cards for me. Dr. Allen would like me to get to 182lbs. That will put me at losing a total of 119lbs and 75% my highest body weight. That is considered a success. I guess losing 75-85lbs isn't a success?? I know he won't approve and recommend me for plastics until I get to that weight and yet I continuously suffer with rashes etc. My arms belong to a woman that is over 400lbs BUT my upper body is a size XL. It's pretty unfair to look so ugly after losing all this weight.

So I need to lose another 50ish pounds before I can get some plastics done. I know I can't go back to how I was eating pre-unfill as it was FAR to frustrating and I was just sabotaging myself every weekend. I was feeling suffocated and could only eat a very small variety of foods. I've tried Induction levels and didn't really lose well there either. Plus eating that low of carbs just isn't for me and something I would never be able to follow long term.

So I'm trying an experiment. I'm trying to eat under 100 net carbs a day and no more than 1500 calories a day. It may just indeed be that I need to watch my calories and my carbs at the same time, without being too restrictive. Last week (and I'm DEFINITELY still tweaking this) - I ate an average of 1800 calories a day (the charts say my BCM is around 1750) and around 100-120 net carbs a day and I managed a loss of 3lbs. Is it a fluke?? Water weight?? I just can't tell you. I'm eating a bit less this week and I "may" get 1lbs of loss from it. We'll see. Did eating more, make me lose more? I'd sure like to know. So my weight as of today is 234.5 which is definitely down since my fill. Dr. Allen will be glad to see that!